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A QUEENSTOWN mother recently wrote to the Dispatch, crying for assistance. She told how she had been beaten by her husband, of her struggle to escape the abuse, of her guilt and despair. This is her story and her plea to her community for help – as told to Crime Reporter SIBONGILE MKANI

“He slapped me in the face, accusing me of flirting with some of the guests, but I dismissed it – telling myself that he was drunk.

“What people do not understand is that when something like that happens you find ways of justifying it.

“The next incident happened hardly six months after that. It was on a Sunday and he had been gone the whole day. When he came back he knocked on the door and I did not open, so he used one of the windows to get inside.

“He asked me why I did not open up his house, he grabbed one of my shoes and hit me on the head. I was bleeding from my head.

“I phoned the police because he would not calm down. The police came but I told them I did not want to press any charges. I just wanted to leave. I packed my things and they escorted me and my kids to my aunt’s place.

“He came to my aunt’s place, telling her we had an argument and obviously my aunt said I could not allow my children to grow up without their father. By the end of that day I was back at my house.

“That has been the pattern of our marriage.

“On New Year’s Eve of 2005 we got into an argument over money. He was demanding money to buy booze but I said ‘No, use your own money for that’.

“It must have been the way that I answered him, but he grabbed a hammer that was on top of the wall unit in the lounge and hit me on my head. The minute he grabbed it my only instinct was to hide my face because I did not want him to hit me there.

“I had four gashes in my head and had to have 16 stitches.

“When he hit me, my four-year- old son was in the room with us and I was bleeding and there was blood all over the carpet. My son brought me tissues and said ‘Mama wipe off the blood’.

“My husband went outside and I managed to grab the phone and called 10111. It did not even take the police 10 minutes to get to my house in two police vans and a private car, but he told them we were having a little disagreement and that he was going to sort it out.

“The police asked to see the person who had made the call. When they saw me they told me what my options were at that point, before calling an ambulance for me.

“I went to hospital and he was arrested and the hammer was taken by the police as evidence. I was in hospital for four days.

“His family knew what had happened because his aunt lives just up the street from us. It was only the next day that my mother in-law came and told me my son was with her and that my husband had been arrested and would only appear in court after the long weekend.

“And that was it – the visit did not even last 20 minutes. They blamed me for his violent behaviour.

“When I left the hospital I went straight to court and asked to see my husband, who was still in the cells. I told them I needed to see him before he appeared before court and they took me to him.

“Immediately, when he saw me he was like, ‘Are you okay?’ and he called me ‘sweetie’. I told him I was there to drop the charges and I wanted to do that because I felt responsible for making him spend New Year’s Day in jail.

“He apologised.

“I then went to a senior prosecutor and told him I wanted to drop the charges and I told them if they went through with the case I would not co-operate with them.

“After he was released, his family was cheering and there I was standing all by myself.

“Until last week I did not realise how badly affected my children were.

“My daughter, who is eight years old, always asks me, ‘When is daddy leaving? He must go so that we can do whatever we want. It’s very nice when he is not here in the house.’ Whenever I call the police in the middle of the night she sits up in her bed. I try to close the door but I can see she can see something is happening, even though I don’t tell her.

“My seven-year-old son has become a loner. He won’t make friends but he used to be a bubbly child who would get into people’s cars. Now all of a sudden he has changed.

“On New Year’s Day this year I was beaten up again. That day I was beaten up in public for the first time. We were out with my son and two of our friends.

“It was already morning. I was getting cold and I wanted to go home and he said no, he would switch on the heater. I insisted on going home. He just grabbed me out of the car and started beating me and kicking me while on the ground, in full view of everyone camping there.

“ I have called the police so many times – maybe 20 times.

“I decided to drive home to my mother, who was visiting for the holidays. My mother does not know what has been happening to me. I have never told her.

“My husband jumped into the back seat and as I was driving he grabbed the steering wheel, saying he would rather kill us all.

“My son was in the car and was very confused because up to that point he was having the time of his life.

“When we drove into town I spotted a police van at a stop street and followed it to the police station.

“When we got there he was just hurling insults at me.

“A policewoman took us to the victim support centre, where I just broke down and told them what had been happening to me.

“They explained that I could apply for a restraining order to stop my husband from hitting me but I said I did not want them to arrest him on my instruction. He had earlier said to me that his family had already blamed me as the person who sent him to jail, saying he had never seen the inside of a jail until he met me.

“Because I refused to press charges he was arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

“I went home. But on Monday, February 25, I decided to apply for a protection order. This was after he started beating me up as I was dropping him off to catch a lift to work. He had demanded money and I said no.

“He slapped me and said he would not get out of my car until I gave him the money. I stopped the car and I called the police and asked them where I could go to apply for a protection order.

“After a week I still do not know what happened to my protection order application. That is why I wrote my letter, which was a cry for help because I wanted people to communicate with me.

“I need people to advise me what to do because I am so scared of making the wrong decisions. I am frustrated as the Domestic Violence Act says they (police) are supposed to give me that piece of paper.

“They are supposed to tell me where to go for counselling and give me a temporary place of safety for me and the kids.

The Act says that, but in practice that does not happen and somebody has to voice that.

“I gave them my phone number, my address and work number, but nobody has even called me.

“I really felt I had had enough as it is a sad thing for somebody to have that kind of a hold on a person.

“He is a strong man and I have been in situations with him where he has told me – so many times – that he will kill me before I leave him. He terrifies me, but if you ask me why I don’t leave him I will tell you I do not know.

“Where do I go?

“I have thought of leaving him but could not because of my kids.

“I owe them a normal family. I owe them a mother and a father. I always say to myself, let me not be selfish and just because I am unhappy, just go and let them grow up with a single parent.

“These days I take prescribed sleeping tablets to sleep at night and have to change pharmacies so that they do not catch me out and find out what is happening.

“I have attempted killing myself so many times.

“I have resigned from my job and I am now working out my notice period. My husband knows nothing about this as I just want to disappear from his life but at this point I do not know how I am going to do that.

“I have come to a decision that I can not live the life that I am living now.

“It is not fair to me or to my children.”