"By drawing power from the unbridled temper of motorists, the new anger-powered car will change, or at least take mechanical advantage of, the way people drive," said Bob Lutz, vice chairman of General Motors. "We plan to have these furiously efficient machines careering down highways and byways within a year."

Lutz said manufacturers have been researching fury fuels since the mid-1970s. As early as 1984 they began to look for ways to take advantage of the limitless supply of bad temper generated daily by road rage vented wastefully into dashboards, steering wheels, and to passengers.

An engine burning clean, white-hot hatred releases few harmful byproducts into the atmosphere. Bad vibes and a small amount of water vapour will combine to be released in the form of human spittle. Heavier the traffic, the more efficient an anger-powered engine becomes.

"The theory behind the anger-powered engine is actually quite simple," said Keith Cameron, chief engineer on GM's Project Instigator. "The average motorist travelling a clogged highway produces hundreds of kilowatt-hours of negative energy per infuriating drive. The Instigator motor converts this emotional energy into kinetic energy by a process most drivers too stupid to use their indicators when changing lanes will never be able to understand."

Cameron, currently serving a seven-year prison sentence for murder following a bout of road rage, added: "In the white-knuckled hands of the average driver, it's an extremely powerful tool."

GM is currently developing two anger-powered cars, the entry-level Chevrolet Tantrum coupÈ and the larger, pricier Buick Umbrage. Ford has announced a multi-tiered move towards anger power, with plans to introduce anger/petrol hybrid engines in the popular Lincoln Frown Car in 2006, to offer a De Sade option for its classic Mercury Gran Marquis in 2007, and to unveil a line of Acrimony family-sized cars in 2008. DaimlerChrysler will resurrect the defunct Plymouth brand with the reintroduction of the Plymouth Fury.

Violent and Rammit

ANGER power was first explored by Chrysler, whose concept car, the Plymouth Violent, caused an uproar when introduced in 1989. The Violent, more a seething showcase of technology and rage than a workable production car, achieved remarkable fuel consumption.

The anger-powered car will be aimed solidly at the middle of the market. Options such as semi-tinted glaring windows, automatic locking brakes and a mysterious arrangement of randomly blinking warning lights will be standard on all models.

"Production models will have anger-punch-absorbing energy-conversion pads in dashboards, steering wheels, and driver doors," according to Chrysler Group chief executive Dieter Zetsche. "Sound-sensitive materials in the cars' interiors will convert livid outbursts into motive power. And, because an angry driver is, in this case, a better driver, literally hundreds of anger and performance-enhancing options will be available, including loud, ineffective silencers, talk-station-only radios, truly intermittent wipers, steering wheels which imperceptibly tilt forward over the course of an hour, and excruciatingly well-heated seats."

Persistent and irritating squeaks and rattles are also being introduced to all makes.

Early consumer tests of the cars indicate that they perform beyond designer expectations. The motoring press has been particularly enthusiastic about anger power. A motoring journalist who tested Chrysler's Dodge Rammit pick-up wrote: "The vitriolic-assist brakes barely worked, the rear-view mirror found my bald spot every time, and the voice-response system mocked me for writing the script for Cannonball Run. I was getting 100km using just a litre of petrol when I T-boned a bus."

Price is a problem. "We have a delicate balance to strike," Ford's Nick Scheele said. "The middle-income customer should be able to afford the car, but in order to increase engine efficiency, the price should be high enough to infuriate him whenever he's driving."

In South Africa fluctuating interest rates or a monthly payment rate pegged to the ineptitude of national sporting teams is being considered.

Fully anger-powered cars are expected to begin hitting showroom floors next year. If successful, the venture may vindicate engineers still smarting over their brief and disastrous flirtation with love-and-happiness power, a trend that failed commercially and eventually petered out during the positive-energy crisis of the 1970s.

(If you believe this spoof, you'll believe anything - Chiel).

Thought for today

If you are able to state a problem, it can be solved - Edwin Land, American inventor (1909-1991).

Jody to wed

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