The Chiel

It's a fix

JUST when we all thought the International Cricket Conference was getting to the bottom of match fixing and that the SA team's dagga story was wafting away in the wind, we get another scandal that combines both.

Well "scandal" is definitely way over the top. In fact some might not even have noticed on Thursday night when the DStv Extra Cover weekly cricket programme was being aired. Producer Mike Haysman was in the chair and his guest, Andre Nel, one of the non-inhalers.

If ever there was a pre-arrangement between Haysman and Nel on what the interview would be about and matters to be covered, this was it. Of course any journalist worth his salt would have to drop in a question on "the" incident. To avoid it completely would have been ludicrous. But quite naturally the young Andre would have wanted to talk about it as little as possible and not be asked any awkward questions. So they came to an agreement before the show-- well that's certainly the only conclusion my cynical mind can come to.

The talk was about this and that; about how the senior players and staff helped; about not wanting to leave the field when he cramped up while bowling and so on.

Then the question came and was along the lines: "What do you and the other four in the smoking scandal have to say about it?" (or something equally inane) asked Haysman.

"No comment," replied a poker-faced Nel.

A wry smile from Haysman and that was that. No further probing, no pressure. That was it.

Now if that wasn't a pre-arranged question and answer, I don't know what is. Which makes one even more suspicious that all said and done in cricket is still not entirely above board and the public continue to have the wool pulled over their eyes.

Border touch

THE Border influence in today's Super 12 final is immense. The obvious giants in the Sharks line-up are captain Mark Andrews, from Elliot and schooled at Selborne College. Then there is Rudolph Straeuli who we like to think learned most of what he knows about coaching during his successful couple of seasons moulding the Border XV.

Add to these key positions: Kobus van der Merwe, always at Straeuli's side on the bench and clearly a big influence on the Sharks' back play -- he worked with Straeuli here on the Border and succeeded him as coach; and Charl van Rensburg who learnt his rugby as a lock at Queen's College, Queenstown, was deputy head boy in 1991 when Robbie Kempson (Stormers and Springbok) was head, and went on to represent SA Schools. He's now a tearaway flanker knocking at the door and deserving of Springbok colours.

Not bad for a small rugby province. Plenty of talent grows up and matures in these parts. And Van der Merwe will be returning to us after the Sharks' Super 12 campaign ends today. His experience, no doubt, will stand Border in good stead.

Saying boo to a ghost

I LOVE malapropisms, the unintended misuse of a word by confusing it with one of a similar sound. Two I heard recently:

She's so timid, she wouldn't say boo to a ghost. (Most of us would probably also be too timid to do that).

They were caught right-handed.

Then I was sent a few:

He's a wolf in cheap clothing.

He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.

Some viruses can lie doormat for years.

In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.

To each his zone.

My sister has extra-century perception.

Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.

A fool and his money are some party.

No more negotiating -- it's a dumb deal.

All's fear in love and war.

It's a long road to hold.

It was a case of love at Versailles.

All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

Nip it in the butt. (A plastic surgeon's motto).

Veterans slam Nats

From our files ...

May 26, 1951: "Hands off our Constitution " -- More than 8000 people standing beneath the light of a sea of dancing torch flames last night outside the East London City Hall roared their disapproval of the policy and legislative methods of the Nationalist Government. In the centre of the crowd -- the biggest East London has seen at a meeting -- 3000 war veterans stood 12 deep in orderly ranks and with one voice demanded the restoration of rights for which they had fought and suffered.

May 26, 1971: Voila! These Tricolors are magnifique. Potchefstroom -- ominous black thunder clouds rumbled angrily over Olen Park today -- but if this was an omen to the Springboks, it was nowhere near as chilling as the warning sounded by the Tricolors in their second tour match. They massacred Western Transvaal 50-0, running in 12 tries in what rugby men described as the "most fantastic" exhibition of handling rugby they have ever seen. And their Achilles heel -- the tight scrums? They shocked Westerns here too. They pushed the heavier mielie-boere back at will.

Tailpiece

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him: "How do you expect to get to heaven?"

The boy thought it over: "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door and then St Peter will say, 'for heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out'!"