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Phallus museum erected in Iceland

MALE ORGANS from all 31 mammals found on the island of Iceland and its coasts are on permanent display in a new phallus museum that opened its doors to the public in Reykjavik in August.

The collection, believed to be the first in the world, is comprised of phalli preserved in formaldehyde or dried and stuffed, collected by Sigurdur Hjartason, a 56-year-old history professor who came up with the idea for the strange museum.

A self-proclaimed expert of "phallology", this former school principal decided a few years ago to collect the private parts of all cetaceans hunted around Iceland.

He then expanded his collection to all mammals living on the island, and now charges visitors 300 Icelandic kronor (R18) to view his collection.

The curious immediately come face to face with windowcases displaying the penises of all of Iceland's maritime mammals, including the blue whale, minke whale, sperm whale (of course), grampus and dolphin.

The largest specimens -- some measuring up to one metre -- are stuffed and displayed like hunting trophies.

"Notice their tapered tips, which makes them look like a bull's horn," Hjartason tells visitors.

"It is to facilitate the sexual embrace, a brief face-to-face which lasts only three to five seconds for these large animals," he explains.

The seal and walrus organs are very different. They are equipped with a 30-centimetre central bone that guarantees rigidity at all times.

"The walrus and the seal, surrounded by their harems of females, have this bone to enable them to always compete against potential rivals," he says with studied restraint.

Hjartason has also collected the male organs of reindeer, fox, mink and other rodents living on Iceland.

On request, Hjartason will proudly show visitors a pledge made by a local Homo sapiens born in 1915 whose private parts will join the collection on his demise.

Hjartason's interest was aroused when he was a cowboy in northern Iceland in his youth, and was given what is technically known as a bull's pizzle whip to control his charges.

Appointed as a teacher to Akranes, a former whaling port, he noted that all parts of the marine mammals were used except the phallus, which gave him the idea of collecting them.

Amateurs of cheap erotica will likely be disappointed by the shrivelled organs, skinny stumps and rubbery penises which are more reminiscent of deflated inner tubes than of any giant fertility feast.

For the visitor who expected the testicles to be displayed alongside the penises, the "phallologist" explains that they are located inside the body of Arctic cetaceans and that it is not possible to isolate them.

Hjartason is a father of four -- one of his daughters is a guide at the museum -- and the author of a Spanish grammar book used in all of Iceland's secondary schools.

He spends much of his spare time sculpting birch branches into phalli, which decorate the museum's walls.

He is disappointed that the Icelandic government refused to grant him a subsidy for his museum, but is content with the 200000 kronor (R13500) given to him by the Reykjavik municipality to support creativity. -- Sapa-AFP

Ethan Hawke beats the genetic elite

fea Hawke

HUMANITY BITES: While his fans may find it hard to swallow, Ethan Hawke plays a genetically inferior "faith birth" in his next movie, the sci-fi thriller Gattaca.

ETHAN HAWKE has absolutely no future. That is, unless he can fool people into believing his genetic composition is, well, perfect.

Ethan Hawke? No future? Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

Don't tell that to Andrew Niccol, the New Zealand screenwriter/director who has cast Hawke in the upcoming sci-fi thriller, Gattaca.

Hawke plays Vincent Freeman, a "faith birth" -- or nonengineered individual -- in a society where progeny are designed in petri dishes, diseases are eliminated and more desirable traits are engineered into the population. Faith births are only suited for janitorial work.

Though Vincent wears eyeglasses, a sign of genetic inferiority, he refuses to accept he is only as good as his DNA profile.

Through determination and ingenious subterfuge, Vincent passes for a genetic elite, getting himself selected to navigate Gattaca Corporation's mission to the planet Titan.

Then, just seven days away from realising his dream of space travel, Vincent emerges as the leading suspect in the murder of Gattaca's mission director.

Can Vincent manage to sustain the deceit and, through sheer will, make it to Titan? And can he do it without revealing he is frightfully nearsighted?

In an interview, the 26-year old Hawke talked about Gattaca, gene pools, perfection, the Dalai Lama and magazine covers.

"All of us have been told we can't do things we want to do," says Hawke. "It's the whole question of whether or not we can find the strength to go ahead and believe in ourselves."

Man, not as Superman, but as Underdog -- that's what drew Hawke to the Gattaca project. The actor says he wanted to explore the question of how individuals realise dreams in the face of overwhelming odds.

And, this busy actor, whose credits include critical successes like Dead Poet's Society, A Midnight Clear and Reality Bites, says he's quite familiar with the underdog role.

Hawke was born in Austin, Texas, then moved to Princeton, New Jersey, as a young boy.

He started taking acting classes at Princeton's McCarter Theatre, landing his first professional acting job at the age of 13 in George Bernard Shaw's Saint Joan.

Hawke's screen debut followed shortly when he was cast at 14 in the film Explorers. He's been working steadily since then, though Hawke says it hasn't been smooth sailing.

"I've had my share of people telling me I'm absolutely no good at all. I've got those stories," Hawke admits, laughing. "I went in for a soap opera, and the person at the soap opera called my agent and asked, 'Why would you send such an untalented, snotty little creature in here?'

"Or, like when my friends and I were starting a theatre company. Everybody told us, 'Don't do it. It's going to be awful. You don't know how to direct a play. You don't know how to put on a play. The theatre's going to be dumpy. Nobody's going to come.' And, of course, the first play we did had a cast of 12 and an audience of four people. But the play was pretty good."

Hawke lights a cigarette and stretches his long legs. "My point is," he says. "I could talk about my own things, but I don't think I'd be alone in them. There are people who have overcome some very dramatic odds. Like FDR. He was a four-term president and he was paralysed."

People love to see underdogs triumph, says Hawke. The victories convince us, if only for the duration of a two-hour film, that greatness is within our grasp. This kind of emotional cheerleading gets to the heart of what really troubles people, even movie stars and presidents, says Hawke.

"It's so difficult for us to believe in ourselves," he admits. "We're all so filled with self-doubt and self-loathing. To actually go, 'No, I'm clear with myself. I know what I want and why I want it. I know I can do it. Or I'm sure as hell going to try.'"

So what if, through genetic engineering, that little gene of self-doubt -- or any other flaw -- could be scientifically removed? Would Ethan Hawke favour this type of intervention?

The answer is a resounding -- and unequivocal -- no.

We don't know enough about what we're fooling with, says Hawke. "You can't just have this blind faith in technology. And, really, I just don't believe in all this aspiring to perfection. John Lennon has a wonderful quote about how the more you strive for perfection, the more you push it away. All the world's religions will tell you that you're perfect already, if you'll just allow yourself to be. Why do we have this desire to control everything?"

Then, too, says Hawke, perfection is subjective. "Perfection in whose eyes? Perfection according to the Dalai Lama, or perfection according to some 15-year old kid? The irony is that most of the world actually responds more to Calvin Klein than to the Dalai Lama." -- Sapa-AP

Japanese health officials battle epidemic of borrowed English

JAPAN'S Health Ministry is fed up with its official papers being cluttered with monstrous phrases like "raifu sapooto adobaizaa" -- for life support adviser.

So it has an ultimatum for its employees: Go easy on playing with English.

If the ministry is hoping to quash an epidemic, however, it's a tad late. After more than a century of intense borrowing, Japan is awash in a unique brand of neo-English used nowhere else, and often not understood very well here either.

"For the goals of the administration to be widely understood, it is important that documents issued by the Ministry of Health use words that are easily comprehended," said the directive, which was distributed to department heads in September.

The ministry's hit list carried such tongue-twisting neologisms as "waakingu guruupu" (working group), "akauntabiriti" (accountability) and "keaa manejimento" (care management).

"We must make the utmost effort to avoid these words," it said.

But bureaucrats are hardly the only Japanese with a weakness for foreign expressions.

English loan words are heard just about everywhere -- from babies, who are taught to babble "papa" and "mama," to politicians, who debate the merits of "infoomudo konsento" (informed consent).

For Japanese adults, the ability to pepper one's conversation or correspondence with English is generally regarded as a sign of sophistication, similar to the way many people in English-speaking countries view the use of French or Latin.

Children, who often learn to hate English from the compulsory classes they take at school from the seventh grade on, love to toy with loan words just the same. A current favourite is "getto suru," derived from the English "to get."

One need not be a native to appreciate the ubiquity of "Japanglish," as the loan words -- and a few English-sounding made-in-Japan originals -- are collectively known.

Ads for such popular products as "Creap" coffee cream, "Pocari Sweat" soft drinks and "Crunky" chocolate are a fixture on television and roadside billboards.

But when spoken, Japanglish can be quite a challenge for English speakers to comprehend, since the words are adapted to fit the phonics of Japanese -- which does not have as many sounds as English.

When confronted with the newer coinages, many Japanese are at a loss as well.

Thick dictionaries devoted to foreign loan words are sold at most large bookstores, but it is still often difficult to keep up.

This is particularly true of older Japanese, according to results of a poll contained in a report released earlier this year by the government's Cultural Affairs Agency.

Nearly half of all respondents older than 60 said they thought Japanese had enough loan words already and shouldn't adopt more.

"It has been argued that this could create a communication gap with younger people, who are more likely to use such words," the report said.

It added that some Japanese also see loan words as a threat to the integrity of the Japanese language.

Seiju Sugito, a researcher at the National Language Institute, said the main problem isn't so much the number of loan words as it is the speed with which new words are introduced and old ones discarded.

"You feel there are more new foreign words being used, but the new words are simply replacing old ones," he said. "The overall number of loan words on television is about the same as 10 years ago."

For all of its faults, Japanglish is not merely a frivolous affectation.

More often than not, loan words come into use because the English original expresses a concept that does not have a good Japanese equivalent.

Some examples are "gorufu" (golf), "sekuhara" (short for sexual harassment) or "hoteru" (hotel, of the Western style).

Linguists are quick to point out that loan words are a fact of life the world over and have a long history in Japan.

For its part, the Health Ministry's ire was directed mostly at loan words used for ideas that can just as easily be said in plain old Japanese, such as "niizu" (needs) or "konseputo" (concept).

Still, while their cause may be a noble one, ministry officials admit the prognosis for their speak Japanese campaign does not look good.

Many of the same words were blacklisted in a similar directive eight years ago, they note. -- Sapa-AP

Big bucks for Mbeki banquet

I HOPE whoever is organising the Eastern Cape investment conference which is due to be held in East London in three weeks time will remember to bring their cheque book to pay for the after conference banquet at which deputy President Thabo Mbeki will be present.

We know what happened to the engineer who had to foot the caterer's bill when he and others were invited to attend a Bisho government workshop recently.

Anything is possible.

The conference will be held to attract foreign and national investments -- desperately needed for this part of the world. But conference guests, who I heard received their invitations late, have to fork out close to R800 to listen why they must invest their money here and another R200 should they want dinner with Mbeki.

Its like inviting someone to your birthday party, expecting the guests to bring gifts and pay for the food bill at the same time.

Maybe there's a good reason.

During the recent visit by German business people from Lower Saxony to East London, the local guests were carefully selected.

It was done, I'm told to keep all the professional conference goers away. Those who attend any kind of conference for the free lunches.

Still, why such a high fee to attend a one day conference? I'd like to see a breakdown of the conference budget and I'd like to know whether tenders were called for to appoint the event organisers or award the printing contracts of programmes.

Also how many banquet places are reserved for bodyguards.

Spirited effort

I am always amazed at how many people are always available to involve themselves in charity or fundraising work in between a day's hard work at the office.

The 24 members of the National Sea Rescue Institute are such people.

A non profit rescue organisation, it depends on its members to be on a 24 hour, 365 day standby to answer the calls of the distressed.

The members of Station 7, our local NSRI base, have in 27 years given 55 000 operational hours to save 90 lives, assisted 881 people and 133 craft.

Now, says deputy station commander Tony Bell, with the decommissioning of the Nora Whitmore the time has come to replace the 8m craft with a new rescue craft purposely built for the station at a cast of R350 000.

Bell says it is hoped that most of these funds can be raised within the community -- the very people Station7 members risk their lives for.

But it's not only the NSRI volunteers who should be commended.

Behind the scenes a management committee -- Tug & Ferry's Rob Henderson, local businessmen Jannie Lombard, Alaine Viaene, Summerpride Food's Denzil McGregor and MBSA's Roley Pienke -- have taken charge of fundraising.

I applaud their efforts. This is an investment in life.

By the way, Bell says any company donating half the costs towards the new craft will be given sole naming rights to be called the Spirit of ...

A good opportunity for Johnny Walker, I would say.

Destructive engagement

Another fundraising was less successful.

Remember Shirley Rossouw who tried to organise a night out (a night in is more appropriate) at Fort Glamorgan's new prison section to raise money for a new mini bus for Grens primary's kids.

Who complained because they were not consulted? Popcru, the prisons and police union.

Despite the fact that their members' kids would also have benefited. Save a country!

Irrelevant absence

Last week I warned former Transgames director Vuli Mbotoli not to canvass support from anti-semite Louis Farrakhan in his battle against Sol Kerzner. Farrakhan is an unguided missile.

Evidence of his unstable propelling emerged again when the man who described Judaism as a "gutter religion" called on black Americans to participate in "day of atonement" by staying home from work and school. The day, he said has its roots in the Jewish day of atonement.

"We believe that the children of Israel are a sign of the 400-year suffering of blacks in America."

There also was a political message, said Farrakhan. Could've fooled me.

"When whites wake up on that morning and they don't see their cook or they go to the airport and we don't see the baggage carrier or you don't see the face of black people, then you begin to think how relevant and how important are black people to this nation."

I differ.

When I wake up in the mornings and I see my fellow black citizens at work, toiling to make a better living for their children, then I know how important black people are to this country.

Compare Farrakhan's rantings to Martin Luther King's eternal words. "I have a dream today. That one day the sons of of former slaves and the sons of slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood ... that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentile, Protestants and Catholics will be able to join hands ..."

Farrakhan also urged black athletes to stay home on that day. Wonder what Tiger Woods had to say?

Reserved parking

Kokstad mayor Mlungisi Nyembezi was acquitted on a drunken driving charge.

Nyembezi parked his vehicle illegally outside the Kokstad police charge office and refused to remove it when confronted by a policeman.

He also refused to give a blood sample for testing when arrested.

The magistrate acquitted Nyembezi because of insufficient evidence!

You don't need an LLB to rule as such in the absence of a blood test.

What I want to know is whether the upholders of law & (dis)order will have the guts to throw the book at him for the rest of the offenses.